Resonance – Episode 33
Verbatim Transcript
Speaker: Viktoria Levenberg
No is a complete sentence. Boundaries, people. Just because someone’s expecting you to
do something doesn’t mean you’ve got to do that. Any yes is a no somewhere else. Having
clear, healthy boundaries is a form of self-care. And if we’re constantly feeling drained and
exhausted, we are gonna burn out. So boundaries really protect your well-being.
Alright, have you ever said yes when you really meant no? Today we will deep dive into
boundaries. Such an important topic. Why people pleasing won’t get you very far, and how
you can begin to establish that safety and agency back in your life, starting right now. Let’s
dive in.
Welcome to Resonance, the podcast for high performers and entrepreneurs who wanna do
life, work, and success differently. I am your host, Viktoria Levenberg, and I am obsessed
with efficiency, productivity, and planning in a way that harnesses your energy and your
natural rhythms, while keeping you in alignment and integrity.
Because I have figured out that lasting success is not about the hustle. It is about being in
resonance. Let’s begin.
Alright, welcome, welcome. I don’t know about you, but you can definitely feel that those
summer festivities are starting to come to a close. I know the northern hemisphere isn’t like
peak winter, and you know, this time of the year is really demanding of us — both in the way
that we connect to others, we show up, you know. I don’t know about you, but probably as
you were kind of wrapping up the year, you can probably remember everyone being like,
“Oh, we need it done this side of Christmas,” or — and then it turns into, “We’re circling
back to it in the New Year,” and now we are circling back and it’s like, no thank you, please
go away.
Um, so I was just reflecting on, you know, how often — or how rare, actually — it is that we
tend to speak our truth. And we tend to say yes without thinking twice of the
consequences. So I had this happen recently where, um, I had a pretty tight schedule and,
um, kind of, you know, things were — life was really full. And I had the opportunity to, um,
either say yes or say no to something that would demand energy and time in my life.
And I had this initial instinct to kind of people-please and say yes right away because I
didn’t want to upset the person. And then instead, I took a step back. I firstly witnessed that
and took a moment to realise, well actually, what is my capacity? Like, what does that
mean? Because any yes is a no somewhere else. Just remember that anytime you say yes
to something, you are saying no to something else.
And so I looked at everything in totality, and I was like, hmm. This does not feel like an
authentic, full body yes. I’m gonna say no. And I felt really good about that too because I
was like, yeah, that was like standing in my authority, in my power, in my agency, and
honouring my boundaries — which we could all use a little bit more of in our life.
Let’s dive in.
Okay, so first things first. What is a boundary in the first place, right? Like, I mean, it’s a
tricky language to use because I don’t want to say like limits or constrictions or whatever.
But like, let’s just imagine it as a line that you set for yourself. Both in relationships — not
just with people, by the way — but also with things like time and other things that we’ll dive
into in just a moment, to protect your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and
well-being.
So the way I like to visualise boundaries for myself sometimes is like, I see myself in this
golden or iridescent — whatever you want to call it — like bubble of light. And there is a
specific place where that bubble of light ends. And everyone else has their own little
bubbles. And there is a degree to which those bubbles can intersect, but then there is also
a firm boundary where this is like, no, this is my space.
And I hold that both energetically, but also in many tangible areas that we’re kind of gonna
go down in just a moment. But really, in essence, a boundary is what you’re willing to
accept and what you’re not willing to accept. And having clear, healthy boundaries is a
form of self-care, just as much as violating those boundaries is a form of self-sabotage.
And it is so, so important for you to practice having healthy boundaries because if we say
yes when we really mean no, and if we’re constantly feeling drained and exhausted, we are
gonna burn out. And so often actually, burnout and exhaustion is as a result of poor
boundaries or lack of boundaries. So boundaries really protect your well-being, right?
Like, again, imagine that iridescent bubble of light. It is keeping you safe and nurtured,
providing you that sense of security, stability, and peace.
And the other thing that’s really great about having firm and healthy boundaries is that it
helps you have clear expectations with those around us, right? Because we are all humans.
We all go through our emotional landscapes, and there’s complex dynamics at play. So the
more grounded we can be in our own boundaries and what we are and are not willing to
accept, the better we can communicate those boundaries. The more in advance we can let
people know of what’s acceptable and what isn’t, the more functional and realistic our
relationships become.
Because what does conflict mostly arise from? It is a violation of boundaries. It is when
someone does something that you deem unacceptable. But did they know that it was
unacceptable in the first place? Did you tell them about that? Did you stop them when they
started doing it? You know, these are all little things to think about.
And effectively, look, this is just a way of taking power and agency back over our own life, in
a way that helps you reconnect with your authenticity, stay in your truth, in what is real for
you, so that you can finally make your own decisions without the need to please others.
And I’m gonna touch on a sensitive topic here for just a moment, because I do want to
highlight the importance and the impact that any trauma or conditioning that you may have
experienced or grown up with will have on you when it comes to your ability to set healthy
boundaries.
So if you ever have had a boundary crossed — be it through trauma, be it through abuse, be
it through anything else that to your mind, body, and spirit in that moment felt like a
violation — it can feel really hard to set boundaries. Especially if that violation occurred for
you at a young age.
And I can speak to this because I have experienced this myself. And I can only highlight that
particularly as women, who statistically tend to experience more abuse than men, who
society has conditioned to say yes and be good girls and do what we’re told and give our
power over to the people in power — especially women who have tendencies to fawn,
which is a nervous system response where we’re effectively people pleasing — or
especially if you grew up in an authoritarian society where it’s like, you do what you’re told,
don’t think about your feelings, you are just another pawn in the grand scheme of things.
It can be really hard to be like, what do I want? What is my boundary?
Okay, so as we dive into this, I really wanted to name this because this is actually quite an
important and deep and profound subject that we’re touching upon that can feel quite
agitating, especially if you’ve had your boundaries crossed. And especially if you haven’t
had a lot of practice in setting your own firm, healthy boundaries.
And with that in mind, this is also a way for you to begin to heal. So as usual, I’m gonna
share a lot of insights and examples and ideas of ways that you can begin to establish
healthy boundaries in your life. And my invitation, as always, is to just meet yourself where
you are. Do whatever the smallest doable next right step feels like. And know that this is a
way of healing for you.
And every time you set a boundary and you stand in your truth and you say something,
you’re going to have proof points. You’re going to have little evidence in your lived
experience that, oh, it’s actually okay to speak my truth. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to
honour my boundaries.
And the more often you practice it, the more okay it will become, the more safe it will
become, the more of a habit it will become as well.
So with that in mind, let’s take a big breath. Take a deep breath in, and let it out on a sigh.
Ah. Needed that for a moment after talking about boundaries being crossed. I don’t know
about you, but I feel lighter already.
Okay, so let’s dive into some simple and effective ways that you can start inviting more
boundaries into your life today. Let’s start with people.
Okay. You have the power of what people you spend your life with. How many people do
you know who constantly complain, drain your energy? They’re like energy vampires.
Everything’s always wrong. The world is against them. Everybody sucks, and nothing’s ever
gonna go my way. Like, do you wanna be around those people? I don’t know about you, but
like, I don’t wanna be around those people.
And just like you and many others, I also have people in my life and in my family who are
classic narcissists, who have these tendencies. Have I distanced myself from those
people? Hell yeah, because it’s not healthy for me to be around them. And look, there’s like
varying degrees of boundaries, right? Especially with family. We don’t choose our family, so
there will be still ways that we interact.
And I also wanna highlight the fact that, like, you choose who you spend your time with. So
again, be careful, especially when it’s family, especially when it’s people in authority. Are
you saying yes because it’s a trauma fawn response, or are you saying yes because it’s like,
okay, this is still within my healthy boundary line, I can engage in this way, but beyond that,
hmm, let’s not.
So yeah, definitely people, and who you spend time with. And you wanna spend more time
with your way showers, people who inspire you, people who are on the same wavelength,
who, like, light you up, versus people who are naysayers.
And especially if you’ve been around here for a while and you’re like on this journey of
healing, of coming home to yourself, of coming alive, what can happen quite frequently —
and I’ve had a few people in my circle recently who’ve been experiencing this — is that your
old relationships begin to slowly fall away.
Why?
Sometimes we walk alongside one another with people, and if we’re lucky, those paths
continue on the same trajectory or on the same wavelength. Sometimes those paths begin
to fork apart. You’re gonna go down your trajectory. They’re gonna go down their trajectory.
And what that means is that whatever growth and changes you are experiencing in your life,
they will begin to become a mirror and almost a trigger for those other people.
So A, you will probably begin to feel quite drained being around them. But also B, you will
probably notice them trying to suck you back in and pull you back into their orbit, perhaps
trying to entice you into habits that no longer serve you or whatever else it is. Or they will
talk down to you, and they will question you, and they will judge you for the things that you
are trying to go after in your life.
So protect your space. Be careful who you spend time with. My mom always says, “Show
me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.” And I can guarantee you that could not be
further from the truth, because the people who you surround yourself with are a mirror and
a reflection of you.
And as you grow and change, the reflection — the people in the mirror — will also change.
You will begin to make new friends, new acquaintances, hang out in new circles, new
crowds. That is all perfectly normal.
Okay, also on the people front. Like, if you are someone like myself who is an empath and a
great listener, you may have a tendency to absorb other people’s emotional energy and
their load. But let me tell you something. You don’t have to. You’re not their therapist. You
are not their coach — unless obviously you are, then it’s a different story. But like, you don’t
owe anyone the need to hold their baggage.
Because that’s basically what they’re trying to do. Like, sometimes there are specific
people who will just, like, try and dump their load onto you, which makes them feel better,
but then you’re carrying it. No need. No need.
So again, you can set those boundaries. And I had a friend — I think I can’t recall the details
— but I remember basically two friends and a specific person being really always negative
and always complaining about the same things. And the friend finally put in a boundary and
was like, “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Um, this is draining my energy. Can we
please talk about something else?”
And the transformation that occurred in that boundary — like, the friendship continued.
And thank goodness, this actually saved the friendship, because the person was no longer
wanting to hang out with them because they felt so drained all the time. But all of a sudden,
with this nuclear boundary in place, like, the friendship was able to thrive.
And this line was drawn in the sand, and they knew how far they could go. So that’s what
I’ve got to share on people when it comes to boundaries.
There’s also things like physical boundaries. And again, this one can be really sensitive,
particularly if there have been any physical violations. So be gentle with yourself. But more
than anyone, it is important for you to protect your personal space. I mean that both as like
your personal space and energy bubble, but also physical contact.
So let’s say, like, someone wants to give you a hug and you actually don’t want to hug them.
You’re okay to be like, “I don’t wanna hug you.” Like, that is the most ultimate power move
you can make. Because like, I can already think of people who wanna hug me and I’m like,
don’t freaking touch me. Obviously, you don’t want to say it like that, right? We still have to
be sociable, etcetera. But it’s like, you’re allowed to say no.
And if anything, you beginning to set those boundaries in place will help you establish a
little bit more safety and begin to heal from any other times when you wanted to say no but
didn’t feel like it was safe to.
And on that note, from a physical perspective, it’s also important for you to just have your
own space. Have some time for yourself. Have the ability — whether it’s in your home or
wherever else — to create a little nurturing sanctuary where you’re like, okay, this is where I
can take off the masks. This is where I can be me. This is where I can recharge.
Hmm.
Now, another way that you can set and play with setting your boundaries is on the verbal
front. So how you are spoken to matters. And I’m sure you can think of people that speak to
you in ways that rub you the wrong way. Whether it is talking down to you, whether it is
asking for more details than you wanna share — especially when they’re like really sneaky
and they’re like, “I don’t wanna pry,” “I’m not asking because of this,” but then they ask the
question. It’s like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So that’s a boundary that I’ve been practising recently, where I’ve literally asked for space
because I don’t want to engage in that level of connection. And it’s been really healing and
nurturing. So that is something that you can play with.
And then the other idea I’ve got for you is boundaries for your emotional energy as well. So
those two are often quite interconnected. And see, you have choice and agency over the
feelings that you choose to engage with that are either in the moment or projected onto you
by someone else.
So we all have an emotional bandwidth and emotional energy. And we all have varying
degrees of how good and safe that feels for us versus perhaps not. And like, other people’s
emotions aren’t your problem. So if someone’s got a problem with something and they
wanna let it out, they don’t need to be letting that out on you. You are not their outlet. You
are not there to be their punching bag. Please have them go see a therapist. They’re
professionals. That is what they’re there for. You are not free therapy.
Okay.
Now let’s get into some tangible ones that my achievers, especially those of us working in
busy work office environments, will definitely resonate with. The first one I’m gonna start
with is time.
The biggest boundary you can establish for yourself is not working overtime. I mean, it’s like
the ultimate form of self-care if you choose to honour your time, because time is your
greatest asset.
And just as much as not working overtime, this also goes for, like, when you are available
for others. Um, I don’t know about you, but I can think of a few people who will, like, sit
down and then just talk to you for hours unless you stop them. It’s like, no, you can put that
boundary in place and be like, “I’ve got to get back to this,” because I don’t have all day to
be your emotional outlet.
So some of these intertwine and intersect. And so, yeah, honour your time. You’re allowed
to be in focus mode.
And do not disturb or whatever at work. Like, get your things done and honour your life.
Hmm. Speaking of life, there’s been a term I’ve been playing with recently, um, because,
you know, there’s a lot of stigma around work-life balance. And what does balance really
mean? And I really love the term work-life harmony, which I heard in a conference, um, not
too long ago.
And this is the thing. It’s like so many of us tend to take our work home with ourselves,
especially since, you know, the pandemic and working from home. It’s blurred so many
lines, and it’s made it so hard for us to switch off — let alone when you’re like, you know,
constantly in your head thinking about the to-do list and the email and the presentation
and, “Oh, is that gonna get done?” etcetera.
So a few helpful ways for you to invite more work-life harmony and healthy boundaries in
your life — and these have worked magic for me. And again, I’m giving you lots of ideas,
right? Just I’m giving you like a melting pot that you can pick one from that resonates the
most, and know that it just starts one. It just takes one to start the process.
So for me, I started with, um — I think from memory — I turned off the sound on my email
notifications. Oh, which like, I am getting goosebumps even just saying it now. Like, it was
such a sigh of relief.
And, um, from there I turned off the pop-ups as well. So, because believe it or not, like,
that’s actually so triggering and dysregulating, just getting that constant stimulation, you
know. And all of a sudden then that’s what led me to be like, oh, I don’t need to be
responding to an email within the first five seconds of getting it. That’s okay. Nothing’s
urgent. There are no fires burning.
So that has been a really, really helpful tool for me. And then I went a little bit further and
did the same by disabling notifications — sounds — on Teams. So that’s like, if any of you
have like work chat or whatever, it was just this ping that was — I don’t know, I’m a very
auditorily sensitive person — and so turning that sound off, ugh, just felt so much better.
And also using features like do not disturb in focus mode, or just like working from home
when I need to get ish done. Because like, if I’ve got to get things done, I don’t want to be
disturbed. I need to be focused. And that is a boundary that I have the agency to put into
place because it’s better for me, it’s better for the business, it’s better for everybody.
Um, now a few other ideas that have worked for me is especially when it comes to
weekends and holidays. Like, how many of us have our work emails and our work chat on
our phones, right? And like, you go on holiday and like — I see this with my partner all the
time — and oh my God, he gets a notification every time he gets an email. And he gets a lot
of emails. His phone’s constantly buzzing.
And so, um, I’ve got a few hacks for you there. First of all, just put your phone on do not
disturb. That’s really helpful. Like, whenever I need to get into focus mode, I put my phone
on do not disturb. It’s really great.
And also, like, don’t feel like you need to respond to pings and messages immediately. I
know we call it instant messaging, but like, I honestly feel like it’s created more stress than
anything. And it’s like, you can take as long as you need to take to respond to people.
And especially when it comes to work-specific notifications and alerts, there’s actually
specific settings that you can turn off the notifications from it. You can turn off the ability for
that app to receive mobile data, and you can even turn off things like background app
refresh.
So what that means is that it won’t do anything. Like, the app’s still on your phone, but you
know how like even if you don’t open your emails, you see that little number of like how
many emails are accumulating? It won’t even do any of that because it’s not refreshing in
the background. So unless you actually actively go in and hit the refresh button, it won’t
download that information onto your device.
So those are all little ways that you can put healthy boundaries into place. And that is how I
trained myself out of constantly checking emails when I was on holiday, um. So that’s just
some little insider hacks for you.
And, um, if you are technologically a little bit challenged — which many of us are, myself
included — just Google it. It’ll walk you through how to do all of that step by step.
And lastly, this also goes to things like, um, workload and projects and deadlines. Like, just
because someone asked you to do something doesn’t mean you have to say yes. Like, of
course, I know you might be thinking like, “Oh, but it’s my job,” etcetera, etcetera. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. But also like, you have a life. You have your own pre-existing workload.
Get clear on your boundaries. The very first question I will ask whenever someone asks me
to do something is, “When do you need this by?” Because then we can get on the same
page in terms of our expectations. They give me their response. I then take a moment and I
review everything else I’ve got going on and my capacity — especially as someone who
works part-time. Like, it’s even more so important.
And then I’ll come back with, “Okay, cool, great, I can do that,” or, “That’s not possible. It’s
gonna have to be this, this, and this.” Boundaries, people. Just because someone’s
expecting you to do something doesn’t mean you’ve got to do that. And just because
there’s a deadline doesn’t mean that it’s like written in the sand. Deadlines can move. You
can ask for extensions. They’re all arbitrary anyway. People just make ish up all the time,
okay? Please don’t bend yourself over backwards to people please.
Because again, that is a fawn response. It is a nervous system response to a threat. That is
literally you being in survival mode. And I should probably elaborate on that a little bit more
in another episode. I might do an episode on the f responses if — um — I don’t know, I kind
of find that as like baseline knowledge, but I guess that’s only because I’m so deeply
ingrained in this work. So if that’s something that would be of value to you, send me a DM,
let me know, and I’ll definitely share an episode on that.
So I’ve given you plenty, plenty of ideas and ways that you can invite more healthy
boundaries into your life. If there’s one thing that you take away from this week’s episode,
let it be this.
No is a complete sentence.
You don’t owe anyone explanation. You don’t owe anyone extra context. No is a complete
sentence.
When you affirm a boundary — be careful with this, because I see this with myself as well
— like, when you affirm a boundary, you don’t have to explain yourself or over-explain
yourself. And I know it can be tempting for us people pleasers, for people who have fawned
our way through life. It can be really hard. But just notice if there is a tendency to do that
and see if you can begin to just slowly and safely dial back a little bit, because you don’t
owe anyone an explanation.
Not even if they ask. If it feels safe and you wanna share it, go for it. But if it feels like that
would be a boundary violation, no need. Absolutely no need.
Ah, this one, uh, felt a little heavier than usual, um. But it’s really important — especially,
you know, as we kind of are now well into the New Year and work demands will be
increasing again and things are gonna come up. It’s important that you practice setting
those healthy boundaries for yourself so that you can honor what you want, what you need,
stay in your power, stay in your truth, stay in your authenticity.
And so my invitation to you this week is: where in your life do you need to set firmer
boundaries? Just reflect on that. And before you commit to something next time, can you
actually take a step back first and feel into whether that is an authentic, full-body yes?
And nine times out of ten, if it’s not, then it’s a no. Honour that no. Set that no. And watch
your life become more enjoyable. Watch yourself let go of the frustration and resentment,
and finally feel like you are an embodiment of your truth.
Thank you so much for listening this week. I hope this episode resonated with you. I’ve got a
really exciting resource that I’ll share with you in just a moment that might help some of you
who are struggling with setting boundaries, particularly when it comes to, like, time and
work. So, um, stick around for that. But otherwise, I will see you next week. Thank you so
much for being here. Bye for now.
Okay, be honest with me. How many times have you spent the late nights or checking
emails on the weekend, or taking that six PM phone call, or maybe just literally dreaming or
thinking of your work deadlines before going to bed? Or how about this one — how many
times have you skipped your lunch break? Yeah, I know, bitch. It’s confronting, isn’t it?
Well, I have created a tool just for you which will help you put a number to the true cost of
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I’m gonna put a little disclaimer there — this can be quite confronting. But there’s nothing
that will facilitate behaviour change as much as seeing the truth for what it is. And this is
what I love about maths — that math just math. It’s got no feelings, no emotions, nothing
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If you want to find out now, just click the link below in the show notes. It is all completely
confidential. I don’t see any of the results. It is all just there for your leisure. Give it a try.
And if you’ve had any ahas or realisations, I would love to hear your feedback. Send me a
DM. Let’s have a chat.
The views and opinions expressed by guests on Resonance are their own and do not
necessarily reflect the views of me, Viktoria Levenberg, LVNHealth, or anyone working
within the LVNHealth brand. This space welcomes a diversity of ideas, experiences, and
stories, and part of Resonance is learning to take what aligns and gently leaving the rest.
Also, while I am a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach and deeply
passionate about well-being, this podcast is intended for educational and inspirational
purposes only. Resonance does not substitute personalised medical, psychological, or
therapeutic advice. Always seek guidance from qualified professionals for any physical,
emotional, or mental health concerns.
